My Confession. . .

Don't judge or give me pity. I am not asking for that. These are just some thoughts I have had going through my mind lately.

Confession #1: 

I apparently do not know how to make friends. This may or may not be a surprise to you. However, I never thought this was a problem. When you are little it seems like everyone is your friend. You play with everybody at school, at the play ground, at church, in the neighborhood, etc. . . You grow up with them and either continue being friends with them or not. Friends I have had came from soccer, church, work, and school. Leaving for college seemed no different. I got put in an apartment with roommates, and they became my instant friends (most of the time). I went on a mission and friends were easily made. I came back and once again had fantastic roommates. Then. . . I got married. I am not saying this is a bad thing.
For me though, all my friends. . . 

•  Pre-mission are all gone and graduated 
• In Texas are in Texas 
•  Post mission are all for the most part gone and graduated 

I had big plans of leaving Rexburg, but it came to a halt when I decided to marry Glenn. I will be honest with you. . . living in Rexburg as a graduate and not a student sucks. I look forward to next year greatly because we will be leaving Rexburg (finally).
I still have a few friends in Rexburg, but I never see them or hang out with them because they are all more busy than I. I have plenty of acquaintances at church. I guess I just don't seem to know how to change those acquaintances to friends. I am not asking for advice. We have invited many of these people over, etc. Reason it sucks to live here while not being a student is because everyone pretty much is a student. I have all the free time in the world and would love someone to hang out with and do things with during the day, but everyone here is a student and has no time for day time activities. I admit, it is hard for me a lot of times because I am a home body.

 Confession #2: 

Being a mommy was not my #1 goal. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be a mommy. I always figured I would be a mom one day. However, this thought has been on my mind because of some of the different lessons we have had the last month at church. I actually have sat at church kind of uncomfortable with some of the lessons and comments made during the lessons. I am 100% devoted to this gospel and have a very strong testimony, but I wish everyone could understand that not everyone sees themselves as they typical stay at home mom. I do think it is important to stay home with your children and nurture and love them, but that does not mean I have to dedicate my entire life to that. In one of these particular lessons at church, sisters were making comments about how they have always just wanted to be a mom and stay at home while there husband is at work. They have brought up time and time again their opinions that a mother should not work unless 100% needs to (not wants to, needs to).

I have a problem with that. When Glenn and I were talking about getting married, I told him I planned on working. I told him I mostly plan to work from home, but I will work because I want to. As a little girl I have big dreams of being a writer and editor. I had big dreams of doing travel writing and traveling the world. I admit, I the dream on my paper saying 'mommy' was not number 1. Glenn and I both wanted the same thing. We wanted to have a family and be able to teach them and love them in a Christ-Centered home. However, don't judge me for not wanting mommy to be at the top of my goal list. I am actually working on a book right now. I have big plans for this book and super excited about getting it out there when it is done. The soul reason I do want to work is because I have spent years getting to where I am now. I have a college degree I worked hard for. To me, it is pointless if I can't do something with it and make something out of myself. My beliefs, husband, and children will all come first just like we come first to Glenn, but I will work because I want to. I know some people at church may think I am not completely full filling my responsibilities, but I still have dreams, and I think it is important for my children to see their mom living her dreams and going after them.

Confession #3:

I am lonely. Not looking for a pity party. I am just being honest. This one ties in with the first confession. I sometimes go through mild depression. It is hard sometimes because Glenn does not understand completely and does not know what to do when I get that way. The depression I have sometimes is not major enough to make me get on medications, but I know I dread winters every year here. People joke about how I am the one making Glenn and I most likely go south after he graduates, but this is something Glenn and I have talked about, and he understands my needs. It has nothing to do with Texas (though it is the greatest). We don't even know if that is where we will end up. I admit, I have not felt this way for a long time though. It all kind of came back after I graduated and no longer had school and homework to take up the time. Then it came even more so with pregnancy. I use to clear my mind by playing soccer. That was no longer an option. Glenn promised me he would help me find a way to be able to play soccer on campus again in the Fall, but I sometimes am doubtful of that because of how busy he is with school and work.

I will say, even though I have many lonely days and thoughts, I am grateful for Glenn. He can see when I have just had a rough day emotionally (before and during pregnancy) and will clean and cook dinner. Glenn does not say these things to other people, but when Glenn sees someone around campus (like an old friend of mine) he tells them they should drop by and see me. I don't like asking for help really, and I don't always like Glenn asking people to drop by because it makes me feel like it is pity, but I am grateful he is loves me and knows that is what I am craving or possibly need. 

I just want to say I am very excited and happy to be able to welcome a baby into our family. I admit it is going to be hard for me, but I will not stop trying to live my dreams. Which, I am sure I am not the only one out there.This post is actually kind of hard for me to actually share because it is personal to an extent, but I hope someone who may be feeling the same way I do can know they are not alone.

I want to end with a quote from Carole M. Stephens in her talk "The Family Is of God." She is the First Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency in the my Church.

Sisters, We belong. We are loved. We are needed. We have a divine purpose, work, place, and role in the Church and kingdom of God and in His eternal family. Do you know deep in your heart that your Heavenly Father loves you and desires you and those you love to be with Him? Just as "Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ are perfect. . . , Their hopes for us are perfect. Their plan for us is perfect, and Their promises are sure.